The Author and Maker SEZ to submit to the people whom He has ordained, assigned, and positioned in authority over us. The Maker SEZ, “Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they are keeping watch over your souls, as those who will have to give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with groaning, for that would be of no advantage to you.

BUT, if you are keen on your commitment to disobey God, and if you’re looking for counsel regarding rigorous and robust strategies for carrying out a successful coup d’état then you’d be shrewd to consult the work ethic and wiles of a chap named Absalom. “That sounds like an old fashioned name” you say? Well it is, and before we go any further I’d advise you to set aside your prejudice against history, and dress down your biased belief that “newer is always better.” In my opinion, many of the old names need to make a resurgence, and it’s simply an objective fact that many of the old ways are far superior to the practices of modernity. At any rate, if you’re really serious about being insubordinate, then go all in (for goodness sake, at least have the decency to work hard at your rebellion …if for no other reason, because the next generation needs examples of serious striving and shrewdness to follow! [see Luke 16:1-9]).

Step 1: Contrive a show of power. I know what you’re thinking, “I don’t have any power!” That’s beside the point. You don’t actually need any real power. It’s a mere SHOW of power (Absalom got himself a chariot and horses, and fifty men to run before him) …it’s an exaggeration, it’s a fabrication, it’s the 7 year old boy who pushes his bicep up with his finger to make his muscles look bigger, it’s puffing out your chest, it’s all the “like-worthy” stuff you post on facebook, it’s the filters you apply on instagram, it’s dramatization, embellishment, and hyperbole.

Step 2: Be an early riser (Absalom used to rise early and stand beside the way of the gate). If you’ve ever scene the musical How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying then you know that the main thing is to simply be the first one to arrive at the place where important things happen. Certainly, you do well to have a game plan (more on that in a moment), but if you did nothing else besides be the first to arrive you’re already well on your way.

Step 3: Sow seeds of discontent (And when any man had a dispute to come before the king for judgment, Absalom would call to him and say, “From what city are you?” And when he said, “Your servant is of such and such a tribe in Israel,” Absalom would say to him, “See, your claims are good and right, but there is no man designated by the king to hear you.”). Here’s where your hard work is really going to start paying off (you’ll see instant results!). Here’s what you do… Log on to any social media site, scan for victim mentalities, whining, grumbling, complaining, etc. (it shouldn’t take but 0.2 seconds …unless your internet connection is slow, in which case you need to stop whatever you’re doing and compose a grievance tweet about it). Then simply throw as much victimization validation fuel on their bellyache fire as you can. Flirt with their sense of having been wronged, and in this way you will flatter them into following you to the land of discontentment.

Step 4: Suggest a successor (Then Absalom would say, “Oh that I were judge in the land! Then every man with a dispute or cause might come to me, and I would give him justice.”). Now here’s where the really challenging part of your job begins; because while it is easy to arouse an angry mob, it’s nerve-racking to take on the responsibility of leading rabble (the very nature of the beast is erratic unmitigated madness and instability). But this is what you signed up for! Play the man, and do your job! Cheer up, the entire enterprise is doomed to fail, so you might as well give’em a good show!

Step 5: Seduce and sedate with “support” (And whenever a man came near to pay homage to him, Absalom would put out his hand and take hold of him and kiss him). Keep in mind that your whole campaign is a fraud, and you don’t actually have anything of substance to offer, but people are always happy to hear the words “I support you.” So you’ve really only got one move …seduce and sedate via feigned support. Of course it’s all a sham, but the show must go on. No doubt it will be a short-lived show, but it’s the path of the pirate (So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel).


If you’re still reading this, then perhaps it’s because you’re disgusted with yourself for thinking, speaking, and acting like an Absalom. That’s good! Presumption and pretense are joyless paths, and we do well to be repulsed by our attraction to such trails. But beyond being horrified by the Absalom living in the hollows of our hearts, is there any hope? Well …there is actually a substantive and savor-worthy story of subversion.

If you’re still reading this, then I assume it is because you are curious to hear the substantive story of subversion.

Once upon a time (the fullness of time actually) there was an invasion. It wasn’t the invasion of an army …it was actually just one man. This man bypassed the show of power option in favor of entering the world silently and in secret. Like all good secrets, there were only a handful of people who knew about his presence (his parents, some sleazy shepherd types, and some wealthy astrologers). He was an early riser, but his goal wasn’t to greet at the gate and seduce people with sham support; he woke early to seek solitude, and have private and personal conversations with his father. He did sow seeds, but not the seeds of discontent; rather, he championed submission and said that people should count others more significant than themselves. He was not a man of timid suggestion and wobbly “if only” statements; when it came to his status, he confidently told people that he was King of kings, and his agenda was – in no uncertain terms – to bind the ruler of this world and plunder his house. His plan for pulling this off? …Smallness, serving, suffering, and sacrifice. The support he offered was not of the insidious seduction variety, and his comfort was not that of senseless sedation. His help is found in the sobriety and substance of a cursed Roman crucifixion, and his answer to our dispute with death and darkness is resurrection.