Warning, excerpts from Samson’s life contain large quantities of inappropriocity. Proceed with caution.

So you remember how Samson had the hots for a lady in Timnah, and they got hitched; and then Samson stormed off during the wedding reception because he was angry with some fellas over a gambling fiasco? Well, after Samson cooled-off a bit he decided to pay his wife a visit and officially consummate their matrimony, but Manoah [Samson’s dad] informed him that he had given his wife to another fella; and then – in an effort to smooth things over – Manoah offered Samson the beautiful younger sister of his wife. #inappropriocity

We’re all waiting – with baited breath – to see what Samson will do. Why don’t you go ahead and try and guess what Samson will do. Take your time, don’t rush it. Really think about it, and run through multiple plausible scenarios of retaliation. And – just for fun – go ahead and think of some extremely implausible scenarios of retaliation.

Okay, are you ready? Do you have your guesses worked out? You have some really off-the-wall stuff in your arsenal of predictions?

Samson went and caught 300 foxes. Pause. Review your speculations …did you have anything close to “capturing 300 foxes”? How does one go about capturing and containing (or taming) 300 foxes!? This is nuts! And it gets crazier… Samson ties the fox’s tails together and binds flaming torches in the tied tails of each pair of foxes! Then he sets the 150 paired batches of torched-tailed foxes scampering through the standing and stacked grain of Philistine farms! #ThatHappened!

Then, in retaliation to Samson’s retaliation, the Philistines execute Samson’s wife and her father by burning them alive.

After this, the official historical record of the feud between Samson and the Philistines ambiguously reports that, “Samson again took vengeance on the Philistines, striking them hip and thigh with a great blow.”

And then, wait for it …Samson decided to become a caveman. That’s right, A CAVEMEN.

From the Philistine’s perspective, things were getting out-of-hand. Samson occupied the first 10 spots on their federal most wanted list, and they had received intel that he was living in a cave somewhere in Judah. So the Philistines worked with local authorities in the region to put together an air-tight plan to apprehend the deadliest terrorist to have ever terrorized their nation. One afternoon, with the backing of the Philistine government, 3,000 men of Judah paid Samson a visit at his cave, and they said, “Look man, here’s the deal …the Philistines rule over us, and you need to come to terms with that. You need to repent of your terroristic behavior, and you need to turn yourself in. Otherwise things are going to get really bad for us. Don’t you see how your personal quest for revenge is hurting the rest of us. Just think about your wife dude, your rage against the Philistines resulted in her being burned alive! You gotta come with us, and turn yourself in.”

Samson agreed to turn himself in. They tied up Samson’s hands with staunch ropes and taut knots, and handed him over to the Philistine authorities. But as soon as Samson was in Philistine custody he broke out of his restraints as if they were spaghetti noodles, and his foot bumped against a donkey’s jawbone on the ground. So Samson scooped up that jawbone and massacred 1,000 Philistines! #ThatHappened!

And then… Samson wrote A POEM!

“With the jawbone of a donkey,
    heaps upon heaps,
with the jawbone of a donkey
    have I struck down a thousand men.”

– Samson The Caveman

After pulverizing 1,000 people and composing a poem Samson was THIRSTY. He was actually extremely dehydrated. You know how you forget to drink water sometimes when you get super preoccupied with killing a thousand people with donkey bones and doing post-slaughter poetry? Well that’s the situation Samson found himself in. So Samson asked God, “Are you gonna allow me to die of thirst!?” And God miraculously produced water from a hollow place, and Samson was revived. #ThatHappened!

Now let me conclude this blogpost with a note about leadership… You are probably thinking to yourself, “An impulsive, lustacious, amatory, violent, terrorist is not FIT to be President of a nation.” And, for the record, I completely agree with you. However, though it offends our preferences and sensibilities, the fact is – Samson was the President of Israel for 20 years. #ThatHappened!